


And Love Said No

by SocialDegenerate



Series: Anything But Love [2]
Category: Saiyuki
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-07
Updated: 2012-04-07
Packaged: 2017-11-03 05:15:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/377699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SocialDegenerate/pseuds/SocialDegenerate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gojyo deals with the fallout from his realisation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And Love Said No

_“Kill me,” I begged and love said no;_

_“Leave me for dead and let me go.”_

\-------------------------------------------

“What’s wrong, Gojyo?”

“Nothing.” The redhead refused to meet Hakkai’s concerned eyes, instead focusing on a moth weaving through the air to his left. He stubbornly held back a despondent sigh, not wanting to arouse the brunette’s suspicion any more than he already had.

Gojyo had left the night’s campsite almost an entire kilometre away, wandering aimlessly along a winding, uneven path that cut through the thick foliage. He had needed to get away from Sanzo; he couldn’t tolerate being near the man who had stolen and crushed his heart.

Stupidly enough, he hadn’t expected Hakkai to follow him, and now he was trapped. He’d walked right up to a large cliff, and the healer blocked the sole established path through the trees.

“Please don’t lie to me. You’ve barely said a word since we were at the inn last night.”

Of _course_ he hadn’t said a thing. After he’d retreated to his own room the previous night, he hadn’t left it until only a minute had remained before the morning’s established departure time.

When Hakkai had come past to fetch him for dinner, he’d ignored the quiet knocks. He was fairly certain that Sanzo had stalked out of his own room, muttering to the brunette about ‘the idiot half-breed’ having gone out ‘to find himself a syphilis-ridden whore.’

If such a thing was possible, the venomous words had broken his heart even more. Gojyo had spent the night perched on his window sill, chain-smoking nearly everything that he had left. He couldn’t have slept, even if he’d wanted to. Not with Sanzo just across the hall.

Sitting in the back of the jeep all day and trying to keep his head to the side so that he didn’t catch even a single glance of silky blonde hair, or a whiff of familiar Marlboro smoke, he hadn’t dared to even attempt conversation.

His throat even now felt constricted, choked up by sobs that he didn’t give voice. He assumed that he might just break down again if he tried to talk; and he didn’t think that he could have beared the utter contempt that the priest would have shown, had the blonde witnessed the display.

Even Goku hadn’t said a word to him during the trip, the monkey quickly realising that something was seriously wrong with the kappa. Gojyo was grateful for that; an obvious lack of fighting in the back seat had meant that Sanzo had no reason to turn around.

Gojyo wondered how long it would take for him to go numb. The constant ache in his chest, as well as the painful pangs that arose whenever he saw, heard or even _smelt_ the blonde were reaching an unbearable level.

It had been, by his rough count, twenty-eight hours since he’d thrown his heart away. Only a little more than a day of agony, and he was already reaching his final breaking point.

Maybe he _should_ tell Hakkai. The healer had watched the woman he loved commit suicide; he knew the pain of loss.

But at least the brunette had gotten _closure_. He didn’t have to see Kanan every single day…he didn’t have to spend nearly all day and all night with the person he loved, but who couldn’t love him back.

The open pain that Gojyo had seen in Sanzo’s eyes had reinforced the blonde’s words. He hadn’t been closing himself up from a ridiculous sense of ‘Muichimotsu’; everything he’d said had been straight from the priest’s apparently non-existent heart.

Nothing that Gojyo did would win him Sanzo’s love. Trying would just serve to kill his own heart even more, until he was as broken as the only person he’d ever truly been enamoured with.

So he couldn’t tell his best friend. Hakkai wouldn’t be able to resist getting involved to some degree, and that would just complicate the matter even further.

Not, Gojyo reflected, that the issue was all that difficult to comprehend. In fact, it was really quite straightforward.

The redhead was in love; and Sanzo had been so utterly ruined from life that he couldn’t return the feeling.

A resigned despair fell onto Gojyo’s shoulders, compounding with his enduring misery to cause his breath to hitch.

Finally looking forward, the kappa saw that Hakkai had taken several steps closer, his forehead creased with lines of worry.

“Hakkai. I’m fine…I just wanted to…walk…” The explanation was extremely weak, and Gojyo’s wavering voice didn’t help to strengthen it.

When the brunette reached out a hand, as if he was about to rest a comforting touch on his friend’s shoulder, Gojyo dodged back. He didn’t want physical contact from anyone that wasn’t Sanzo; and if he couldn’t get that, he would avoid everyone.

Hakkai’s face suddenly showed fear, and his eyes seemed to flick to a point just behind Gojyo. The redhead glanced back, and he realised that he’d come dangerously close to the edge of the cliff.

“I’m not suicidal, ‘Kai. I just want to…to think. I’ll meet you back at the tents… _please_?” Gojyo fought back a tear that threatened to escape; crying would keep Hakkai with him indefinitely.

Taking a few steps away from the edge, but still keeping distance between himself and Hakkai, Gojyo dropped his head again. “Just give me a minute.”

Almost a minute of silence passed before Hakkai sighed softly. “Okay. Just remember, I’m here for you. I always will be.”

Gojyo nodded once, listening as Hakkai’s footsteps crunched across fallen leaves and slowly faded as the man returned to camp.

He wondered what Sanzo was doing, back at the campsite. Was he thinking about last night? Had he even _noticed_ that Gojyo wasn’t around?

Tipping his head back to look at the rapidly-darkening sky, Gojyo let out a deep breath. He didn’t want to go back and face Hakkai’s pity, Goku’s curiosity, or Sanzo’s blank expression.

The one time that he’d looked at the blonde face-to-face today, the priest had stared right through him as if he hadn’t even been there. The pure _emotion_ that Sanzo had shown the previous night didn’t reappear…it was almost as if Sanzo was pretending that nothing had happened.

But Gojyo remembered _exactly_ what had occurred. There was no way he could forget, or even pretend to forget, the moment that he realised just how much of a fool he really was.

He couldn’t believe that he’d expected _anything_ from Sanzo.

Tipping his head back to its natural position, Gojyo directed sad eyes to the path he and Hakkai had walked. He had to go back. It was his only choice.

A loud rustling caught his attention, and the redhead settled into a fighting position. The last thing he wanted was to fight a group of Youkai, even though he would if he had to; he hadn’t been lying when he’d reassured Hakkai that he wasn’t suicidal. The thought of dying hadn’t even crossed his mind.

Maybe it had something to do with the way he was constantly fighting for his life; giving up was just too easy.

Ready to summon his Shakugetsujou, Gojyo let out a quietly sad laugh when he saw nothing more than a hare darting through the grass…

…Right next to a previously unnoticed, thin path that seemed to twist _away_ from the campsite.

The kappa’s eyes widened. He could walk away…he could leave right now, without having to risk encountering his companions.

It wasn’t like they _needed_ him: right from the time when he’d tagged along after Sanzo to find Hakkai, he’d only gone from a lack of other things to do.

It was the priest’s mission, and Goku followed him everywhere. Hakkai was still here from a sense of debt to the man who had presented his case to the higher powers.

Gojyo, though…he couldn’t heal like ‘Kai, and he wasn’t as strong as the monkey.

They didn’t need him. They’d be fine without him…and it was likely that he’d be better off without having Sanzo nearby, tearing him apart with every unconsciously sensual move the blonde made.

Maybe, just _maybe_ , if he could get away from Sanzo, he could regain some semblance of normality. He could return to a life of drinking and gambling…an easy, uncomplicated passage through the years.

Gojyo’s eyes stayed firmly on the unknown path. With every passing second, the hole in his chest seemed to yearn harder for him to leave.

It would hurt to never see Sanzo again…but it would be excruciating to have to spend every day with him, and know that the blonde felt nothing. Hakkai would forgive him eventually…

Straightening his slumped shoulders, Gojyo took slow, tentative steps towards the second path.

If, one day, he ever managed to stop the hurting, he’d hunt Hakkai down and tell the man everything. But for now…he _needed_ to go. The others would survive without him, physically and emotionally.

He wasn’t sure if he could ever mend the gaping wound in his chest…but he could _try_.

Stepping onto the well-hidden path, Gojyo’s pace sped up. He didn’t know where he was going, or how long it would take until he saw another living being; but it didn’t matter.

He just wanted to stop the ache- even if it meant killing ‘Sha Gojyo’, and making a fresh start as someone else.

Someone who _wasn’t_ desperately in love with a man who couldn’t reciprocate.

\-------------------------------------------

_“I’m worried about Gojyo.”_

_“Don’t be.”_

_“But Sanzo-…”_

_“I don’t **care** , Hakkai. He always comes back, the worthless little shit.”_

_“But what if he doesn’t? Surely you noticed how he was acting today, and when I went and saw him just bef-….”_

_“All I saw was a filthy half-breed throwing a tantrum. Probably because he couldn’t find a slut to get on her back for him._ _”_   
  
_“Sanzo, I’ve known Gojyo for almost four years. I’ve never **once** seen so much pain in his…”_

_“I’m tired. Disturb me and you die.”_

_“But-…”_

_“Take the second tent with Goku. If… **when** the prick comes crawling back, he can sleep in with you two.”_

_“Sanzo, I really think tha-…”_

_“Fuck off and let me sleep. I really don’t give a shit.”_

\-------------------------------------------

_“Gojyo didn’t come back last night.”_

_“And?”_

_“I’m genuinely scared, Sanzo. He was standing awfully close to a cliff when I found him yesterday.”_

_“You think he killed himself? Tch, the idiot actually made a good decision for once.”_

_“You…Sanzo, you…please tell me you’re joking.”_

_“When have you ever known me to joke, Hakkai?”_

_“…”_

_“…”_

_“I don’t think he’s dead. I want to believe that I would **know** if he ever left this life.”_

_“Think what you want; just do it while you drive. We leave in thirty minutes.”_

_“But we have to find him! We can’t just leave him here. What if he has injured himself?”_

_“Not my problem.”_

_“We need him, Sanzo! We can’t do this with just the three of us!”_

_“I never asked him to come.”_

_“Give me some time to look for him… **please**.”_

_“We leave in twenty-nine minutes. Don’t forget that you owe your freedom to me; refuse to keep going with this mission and I won’t hesitate to kill you, and then say that you lost your mind.”_

_“We’ve been together for almost a year, Sanzo! You can’t tell me that you have no emotional attachment to Gojyo at all! How can you just **abandon** him?”_

_“…I hold nothing. Especially not **feelings** for that stupid slut. Let him rot, for all I care.” _

_“…I’ll be ready to leave, Sanzo. But just remember…I can’t forgive you for this.”_

_“Tch. Like I care. Twenty-eight minutes.”_

\-------------------------------------------

_“The innkeeper tells me that a fire recently ran through this area.”_

_“I fail to see the relevance.”_

_“It means that the bridge is out; it was completely burned. We’re here for a week, at least.”_

_“There’s always another way. Find it.”_

_“There **isn’t** , Sanzo. I don’t want to be here any more than you do.”_

_“And what is that supposed to mean, Hakkai?”_

_“You know perfectly well.”_

_“Face it. The kappa isn’t coming back.”_

_“…”_

_“He’s gone, and he clearly **chose** to leave. Forget about that cockroach.”_

_“I’m sorry, but we can’t all be as emotionless as you, Sanzo.”_

_“…Don’t I know it.”_

_“I didn’t quite catch that, would you please repeat it?”_

_“I said nothing. If we’re stuck here, then I’m going to the nearest bar.”_

_“…If you must. I’ll book rooms for the remaining nights.”_

_“Don’t even think about going back to look for the prick. We leave the minute that bridge is fixed, and if you’re not here, then I will be **very** pissed off. Don’t push me.”_

_“…Sanzo, I…excuse my rudeness, but you **sicken** me.”_

_“I don’t care.”_

\-------------------------------------------

_“Sanzo, you have to go back to the inn. They won’t serve you anything else.”_

_“I’m fucking **Genjyo San…Sanzo**. If I wan’ ‘em to serve me, then they’d goddamn better **serve** me, th’ bastards!”_

_“They sent a bartender to come and find me, specifically to get you out of here. You’re just too drunk.”_

_“FUCK THEM, AND FUCK YOU!”_

_“You’ve done nothing but drink since we arrived, and you’ve been acting awfully angry for the past few days…ever since Goj-…”_

_“Don’ talk to me ‘bout that fuckin’ little **fuck**. I don’ wanna hear it.”_

_“I know that this isn’t the best time for this conversation, but...you wouldn’t happen to know why he left, would you?”_

_“NO! Why wou-…would I know anyfing ‘bout…GIVE BACK TH’ BEER!”_

_“Sanzo, you’re acting like a child. You’re coming back with me, and you need to tell me whatever you know about Gojyo’s disappearance.”_

_“Fuck you. And fuck him…oh, wait, I al-..already did.”_

_“…”_

_“…Fuck.”_

_“But Gojyo is **straight**. He’s never shown the slightest interest in men…”_

_“…”_

_“Sanzo, I’m going to give you one chance to answer me truthfully. Did you r-…take advantage of Gojyo?”_

_“…”_

_“I’m waiting.”_

_“You really think ‘m capa…cap…capabab…capable of somethin’ like **that**?”_

_“I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m taking Hakuryu _and_ going back to look for him. You can stay here and annihilate your liver if that’s what pleases you.”_

_“Hurry up ‘nd fuck off, then.”_

\-------------------------------------------

The path that Gojyo had chosen was narrow and snaking, barely big enough for a single person to pass through. The kappa wasn’t sure if he was going back towards the east, continuing towards the west, or even mixing it up and going north or south; he’d never payed much attention to directions or navigation.

And he didn’t care.

It had taken an entire day for the redhead to reach a small shack, a badly-maintained building that seemed as if it had been placed at random amongst the trees. The grizzled-looking hunter who’d lived there had given him directions to the nearest town, and he’d willingly taken the opportunity to stay the night on the human man’s dirty couch.

The exhaustion had finally overtaken the pain, brought on by the fact that he hadn’t stopped walking since he’d stepped onto the second path.

Sleep had come, and it had been fitful. The scene from two nights before replayed over and over, each time bringing with it a new round of agony.

But while he’d been awake, when the light had filtered through the trees and no other human or Youkai had been in sight, the feelings had begun to dull.

Although he thought constantly of Sanzo, and occasionally of the guilt he felt over leaving Hakkai and even Goku without a word, not having the man nearby had actually helped.

Now that he wasn’t being tortured by the priest sitting just in front of him, he began to see…hope.

He knew that it would take a long time. Maybe it would never completely heal. But the longer he spent knowing that Sanzo was gone- probably already having continued on the journey, schedule-obsessed bastard that he was- the easier it was beginning to seem to let go.

One morning, after three and a half days of walking, Gojyo finally arrived at the town the hunter had mentioned. He’d also managed to numb himself to the point where it only hurt when he explicitly thought of Sanzo, rather than all the time.

It was irrelevant that he thought of the beautiful man for a majority of his time. At least there were a few minutes each day when he’d get distracted by something and the pain would fade.

Dirty, exhausted, hungry for decent food and desperately craving a cigarette, Gojyo practically ran towards the town’s inn. He’d picked up enough money during their travels through various poker games that he could pay for a couple of nights; when he began to run low, he’d just find the nearest game and deal himself in.

When the pretty receptionist asked him for a name, he replied with only a single title: ‘Jien’. It was the first thing to appear in his mind…or maybe the second, but Gojyo wasn’t about to attempt to check into a room under the same of ‘Sanzo’.

The girl had seemed a little perplexed by the use of one sole name, but after flashing her a charming smile, Gojyo had received his key.

Dragging himself upstairs, the kappa fell into the bath, not game to attempt standing up in the shower. Being in his natural element had usually helped him clear his mind, but today it didn’t seem to be working.

Little shards of pain, sharp like glass, continued to harm his heart as Sanzo preyed on his mind.

Eventually clean after days of being covered in sweat and dirt, Gojyo stepped from the bathroom. His clothes were filthy…he would need new ones. But he had to make an enquiry or two first.

Dressing and combing his tangled mop of hair until it shined, the kappa plastered a fake, flirtatious smile on his face and returned to the reception area. The young woman was still at the desk, looking positively bored out of her brains.

“Excuse me, miss? Do you have a moment?”

The girl looked up, and her face immediately brightened. Gojyo cringed a little, but he fought against the ache in his chest that rose with every smooth word.

“I need to ask you for a _very_ important favour. Would you be able to do something for me?”

She fluttered her eyelashes, and Gojyo felt his smile drop a little. He accidentally overcompensated as he tried to cover, but the young woman didn’t seem to notice.

“I’ll do _anything_ that you’d like me to, Jien.” Oh, Sweet Merciful Goddess, he’d picked the wrong name. He didn’t want to think about his brother as well as the priest…he needed to get to the point and get away.

“Thank you. Would you be able to tell me if three men passed through this town? In a jeep?”

“Oh.” The girl’s face darkened a little; clearly, she’d been expecting a date. “Well…two cute guys and a kid came in the other day, and they had an iron vehicle of some sort out the front…”

Gojyo barely resisted the urge to hold his palm to his chest. He was positive that something had ruptured in there; the pain had increased threefold. Sanzo had been here…and Goku…and Hakkai…

He didn’t expect it to _hurt_ so much, knowing that they’d gone on without him. Even though that was what he’d wanted.

“And…and did they leave?”

The girl was looking at him a little strangely, and Gojyo realised that his fake smile was gone. He winked playfully in her direction, and she brightened up again. It was _sickening_.

“Well, I know they wanted to get through the town, because I heard one of them talking to the owner. The only bridge to the west side is out at the moment, so no one can go that way. I heard that last night someone saw the vehicle going back the way they’d come, though. Maybe they were trying to find another way around.”

Thanking the girl for her time, Gojyo promptly left the inn.

The others were gone. They’d continued on the journey, and he was free to do whatever he wanted.

If only he’d walked a little faster…then maybe he would have been able to catch a glimpse of blonde hair, or perfectly pale skin, or a lean frame that hid surprising strength…he might have been able to hide in a dark corner and watch Sanzo one last time.

Gojyo’s eyes started to prickle uncomfortably, and he looked towards the shops lining the street. He needed a new pack of cigarettes and some food, and then he’d find somewhere where he could stop and think about his next move.

Nodding resolutely to himself, the redhead began to weave through the slow-moving mass of pedestrians.

He didn’t see the small figure watching him, slack-jawed, as he disappeared into the throng.

\-------------------------------------------

_“Sanzo! Wake up! SanzoSanzoSanzoSan-…”_

_“Mmmphh…shut up before I kill you…”_

_“But Sanzo, I…”_

_“FUCK OFF, MONKEY…ow…”_

_“What’s wrong with you? Are you okay?”_

_“I will be when you leave me alone.”_

_“Saaannnzo, you gotta listen to me!”_

_“No.”_

_“But I saw Gojyo!”_

_“…What?”_

_“I know it was him! I’d pick the pervy kappa anywhere! He was in town. He caught up!”_

_“It wasn’t him.”_

_“I’ll go get him! He’ll wanna know that we’re here!”_

_“Leave him alone. If you see him again, ignore him.”_

_“But…”_

_“But nothing. Now fuck off.”_

\-------------------------------------------

Gojyo lay down in the middle of a quiet field, just outside the main district of the town. He lit up a Hi-Lite, his lungs gratefully accepting the smoke after going days without. 

It was nearing midday; a little later he’d go back to the inn and wash his clothes, and then at night he’d find somewhere with a good game of cards or dice going on. 

He’d probably need to stay for a while, until he got enough money to move on. It probably wasn’t smart to stay here for too long, because he didn’t want to risk the others coming back after they finished the mission. 

Or…he didn’t want to risk seeing Sanzo. 

Gojyo coughed, the smoke suddenly catching in his throat. Jerking himself upright, he slapped his chest with an open palm, trying to get his body to work properly again. 

He couldn’t keep doing this. He couldn’t choke up every time that he thought of the man he was desperately in love with. 

Finally gasping out a proper breath, Gojyo dropped back to the ground. The bright sun stung his eyes, and he flung his forearm across his face to block it out. 

Lifting the cigarette for a second draw, he paused when a shadow suddenly covered his body, removing some of the heat from the sun. It was probably the owner of the field Gojyo had taken up residence in, wanting to know why the Hell a half-breed was on his land. 

Moving his arm from his eyes, Gojyo blinked at the figure standing over him. And then blinked several more times. 

He rubbed at his eyes, trying to remove the hallucination from his vision. Maybe something he’d eaten while wandering through the woods hadn’t been quite as harmless as he’d thought… 

There was no way that Sanzo was standing over him. 

Gojyo screwed his eyes shut, trying to ignore the fast-paced thrumming of his chest. It wasn’t real…it was just an illusion…it wasn’t real… 

“Stupid kappa. Can’t even smoke properly.” 

Not real…not real…not real…not real… 

The shadow over him shifted, and then disappeared. Cracking one eye open, Gojyo tried to find the fake Sanzo; but he was gone. He was _clearly_ going cra-… 

“Give me that.” 

The cigarette, still halfway to his mouth, was promptly stolen from between his fingers. 

Sitting bolt upright, Gojyo twisted his neck from side to side. His eyes widened when he saw Sanzo, stretched out along the grass about a metre away, exhaling smoke into the air. 

“Tastes like shit.” 

The cigarette was thrust back in front of his face, but the redhead just stared at it. Sanzo wasn’t…he couldn’t be… 

Days of denial, agony, heartbreak and sadness came flooding back, and Gojyo bit his lip hard. Everything was compounding together, mixing to create something he hadn’t yet experienced since that night… _anger_. 

“What the _fuck_ do you want, Priest?” 

Sanzo lazily dropped his head to the side, purple eyes calculating as he took in Gojyo’s somewhat dishevelled state. 

“I wanted to know if the monkey was making shit up or not. He said he’d seen you, and I followed the cloud of misery over here.” 

“And then what? You thought you’d come over here and _prove_ just how little you care?” 

One of Gojyo’s hands clenched in the grass, and the other snatched his cigarette back. Stuffing the burning cylinder into his mouth, he took a few shuddering puffs and tried to quell his rising temper. 

“I heard you guys had left already. Did you come back just to taunt me? Hmm?” 

Sanzo looked as if he was about to pull out his harisen, but seemingly thought better of it. Instead, he let out a bitter sound that _almost_ passed as a laugh. 

“Hakkai took Hakuryu and went back…to find you. He thinks you ran off because I raped you.”

Gojyo choked on another mouthful of smoke, the cigarette falling out of his hand. Coughing and spluttering, he quickly crushed the Hi-Lite on a small patch of bare dirt before slapping his own chest again. 

The heel of a hand came down sharply on his back, and the resulting gasp filled his lungs with enough air to stop the choking. Taking a few deep breaths, Gojyo turned his entire body towards the still-supine priest. 

“He _what_?” 

When Sanzo turned his head back to stare into the sky, Gojyo felt frustration rising again over his shock. Why couldn’t the blonde ever explain himself properly? 

“Sanzo, this has nothing to do with what I…feel. It has to do with Hakkai completely losing his shit and going all vine-demon on someone; probably you. Tell me what happened.” 

There was a minute of silence as the priest reached into his robes, drawing out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. When the scent of Sanzo’s usual brand hit his nostrils, Gojyo felt a now-familiar pain in his chest. 

Surprisingly, though, it didn’t hurt as much as usual. Maybe it was because he had the man sitting next to him…speaking to him as if he actually existed. 

“I was drunk. No…I was completely smashed. He came to get me, and we argued a little. I accidentally let out that we’d fucked.” 

Gojyo winced. That was a bad start; but he didn’t verbalise that thought, just in case it broke Sanzo’s suddenly talkative mood. 

“He thinks you’re completely straight, Gojyo. I’m guessing that the only way he could ever imagine you screwing another male is if it was against your will.” 

Letting out a short sigh, Gojyo lay back down beside Sanzo, still keeping a reasonable distance between them. He didn’t think that he could handle getting any closer, let alone actually touching the blonde. It would be a cruel joke to play on himself. 

“Did you at least try to tell him that it was consensual? I mean, he couldn’t _really_ think you’d be able to…to do _that_ to anyone.” 

Their positions made it a little difficult to tell, but Gojyo thought that Sanzo may have shrugged. 

“I don’t know _what_ that fool is thinking most of the time. I barely remember how I replied…I think I basically told him what you just said.” 

Gojyo rested his hands underneath his head, contemplating everything that Sanzo had told him. Hakkai probably wouldn’t give up the search for another day, at least…but then he’d come back when he didn’t find anything. 

Even if it was just with the intention of ripping Sanzo in half, he’d return at some point. All Gojyo had to do was get to him before he could get at the priest. 

Gojyo didn’t want to think about what Hakkai’s vines would do to Sanzo’s human flesh. It was possible that even the gun and the Sutra wouldn’t save him; and then they’d more than likely have to deal with the Seiten Taisei, as well.

“I’ll stick around until Hakkai comes back, so I can tell him that you didn’t do anything like that. Then you guys can keep going.”

This time, it was Sanzo who languidly sat up. Cross-legged in the green grass, his robes spread out around him and the midday sun lighting up his hair, the blonde actually looked like a proper holy man. Gojyo smiled wistfully at how gorgeous he was…maybe if this was his last memory of Sanzo, rather than one of the man rejecting or ignoring him, it wouldn’t be so hard to let go.

Or maybe it would be harder.

“What about you?” The question was gruff, reluctant. It almost made Gojyo laugh.

“I might stay here for a while, at least until I can make some money. Then, I’ll go…somewhere. I haven’t really thought that far ahead.”

Sanzo drew on his Marlboro, taking his time to let the smoke back out of his lungs. It was something that Gojyo recognised as the priest’s thinking action. He was clearly running his mind over something.

“…Why?”

Gojyo blinked. He’d actually been expecting something a little more substantial than that.

“Ah…because this isn’t really a very good town? Too slow for my tastes. Maybe I’ll go to a nice big city.”

The redhead started reaching towards Sanzo’s cigarette, but he was surprised when the blonde relinquished it without a fight.

“Idiot. I meant, why aren’t you coming with us? Hakkai nearly beheaded me for not stopping to look for you, and the Monkey…well, I think Hakkai told him that you were going to meet us after you finished some important business, or some shit like that.”

Gojyo sorted through the many questions that statement created while he rolled the taste of Sanzo’s cigarette on his tongue. Eventually, he decided on one of the less-invasive ones.

“Why didn’t you stop?”

Sanzo looked away, and Gojyo could no longer make out his expression. The man’s voice was quiet when he finally spoke.

“You chose to go. I’m fairly certain that I know why. I wasn’t going to lie to get you to come back, especially as you’re a stubborn asshole and it would’ve been more trouble than it was worth.”

The insult, a return to familiar territory, put another small smile on Gojyo’s face.

“As if _that_ isn’t the pot calling the kettle black.”

“Give me that, you ungrateful bastard…” The cigarette was reclaimed from Gojyo’s hand, the blonde turning back and screwing his nose up at it as if it was covered in kappa germs.

“So you…understand, then? Why I couldn’t- _can’t-_ stay around?”

Sanzo leant his arms back behind him, using them to prop himself up as he stretched and arched his spine. Gojyo’s breath caught unpleasantly as he remembered their final encounter, just days earlier…

“I can’t say that I fully understand the inner workings of a stupid kappa. But Hell, it’s your life.”

Gojyo’s eyes narrowed. Something about the blonde’s voice was odd…it seemed a little too _controlled_ …the temporarily dissipated anger came flooding back.

“Why can’t you ever say what you _mean_ , Sanzo? You spend so much goddamn time pretending that you don’t give a fuck about anything…why don’t you tell me how you _really_ feel about me?”

This time, the blonde didn’t take Gojyo’s anger lying down. Purple eyes suddenly flared with the priest’s usual rage, and he sat straight up, back perfectly aligned.

“Don’t try and _analyse_ me, you half-breed dick. I’ve already told you: I don’t love you and I never will.”

Hearing the heartbreaking words once more, something in Gojyo snapped. He jumped to his feet, hands on his hips as he yelled down at Sanzo.

“Oh, because the _precious_ little priest got hurt once before? And now he won’t even try to love because waaaah, he’s too goddamned scared of actually _feeling_ something?Well, you’re not the only one. I fucking watched my brother kill my _mother_ , and then walk away. And when I saw him next, I had to fight his goddamn ass! I’m constantly up against the only fucking person who ever cared for me! If either of us has a proper excuse to never open up again, it’d be me. And yet…I _tried_. I didn’t mean to, but…I love you, Sanzo. I can’t just flick a switch and make it stop.”

Gojyo’s voice and anger weakened as he reached the end of his speech, and he turned away. He was tired, in body and spirit. Maybe he should just start walking again, and let Hakkai deal with Sanzo in whichever way he wished.

A quiet rustling warned Gojyo that the blonde was standing, but he didn’t bother to turn around. He was half expecting the fist that came flying towards the back of his head, and he crumpled to the ground.

Rolling onto his back, the pain in his head blocking the ache in his chest, Gojyo watched through blurry, slightly watery eyes as Sanzo paced before him. In a flurry of robes, the priest suddenly whirled around and looked down at him, their positions now reversed.

“Don’t fucking tell me about my life! You know _nothing_. Nobody ever wants anything other than my body, and I have no reason to believe that you’re any different.”

Gojyo opened his mouth to speak, but Sanzo cut him off.

“How did you _expect_ me to react when you went and said something about ‘love’? You flirt with everything that has tits, and occasionally with things that don’t. You’ve been in more beds than Chlamydia, and your idea of commitment is staying long enough for your dick to go soft. I want no part of that.”

Sanzo pulled hard on his cigarette, seemingly done with his little rant. His voice tired, Gojyo tried to defend himself.

“You really didn’t notice? I haven’t slept with anyone other than you in…fuck, it’s been over two months since I had someone else. I haven’t _wanted_ anyone else. And if I’d known that the flirting bothered you so much, I would’ve stopped. But if it _does_ bother you, then you must care to some degree.”

“Tch.” Sanzo didn’t bother making a proper reply. He was closing up; Gojyo knew that he had to act fast.

“You said that you can’t love. But have you even tried? When you kissed me that day, I felt something. I don’t know what it was, but…there was _something_ there. Maybe you should at least let yourself _try_ to feel before you start declaring that it’s not possible.”

Sanzo began pacing again, muttering under his breath and pausing only to smoke. Gojyo simply sat in silence, watching what seemed to be another internal argument.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of listening to Sanzo’s mumbling and his own thumping heartbeat, Gojyo saw the man stop pacing and open his mouth to speak properly.

“If I…asked you to rejoin m-…us and the mission, what would you do?”

Gojyo’s eyes widened. There was more to that question than Sanzo was actually saying; did it mean that he _was_ willing to try…?

“I’d say yes…but I don’t think that I could go back to the way we… _were_. At least, not until you figure out what you…think about me…But I’ll wait for you to decide. I won’t go near anyone else…I don’t _want_ anyone else. And I would try not to flirt as much…I can’t entirely tell when I’m actually doing it sometimes, but…if you can try, then so can I.”

There. Everything was out in the open, albeit in a slightly veiled way. There was just one final thing…

“I have to tell you, though…if you decide that you truly can’t lo-… _feel_ anything for me, then I’ll probably need to go; for good this time. But as long as there’s hope, I’ll be there.”

Sanzo snorted. “Presumptuous idiot. What makes you think that I’m going to ‘try’ to do anything, as you put it?”

There was a tiny smile playing on his lips as he spoke, though, which put a completely different spin on the words that should have cut through Gojyo’s body like knives.

When Sanzo took a step closer to Gojyo and extended his hand to the sitting man, the meaning of that smile became perfectly clear. Grasping the pale fingers, Gojyo stood up with the blonde’s help, shaking his head when the hand immediately retreated.

No, Sanzo couldn’t love. 

Not yet.

But one day…


End file.
